THE NUMBER ONE INTIMACY KILLER
How do you make love?
Do you find yourself repeating the same sexual positions? Touching and playing with each other in predictable ways, almost like following a script?
In my work (and through talking to friends), I have been noticing that many people, after they have been together for a while, tend to settle into sexual routines. They find certain positions that they know they like – maybe three or four, but maybe even just one. And then this becomes their sexual default mode – their go-to way of relating sexually.
I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my female clients say “I know exactly how he will touch me, how he will go down on me, there is no novelty…it’s always the same.” I also hear something similar from a lot of men.
And from what I have seen, this is the number one killer of sexual intimacy: REPETITION.
If we lose curiosity when exploring each others’ bodies and just assume we know them already, without considering that either of us might have changed, it will slowly kill the passion in our relationship.
The philosopher Heraclitis (one of the best ones imo, because he understood the law of impermanence) said “Panta rhei”, which means that everything flows and nothing is fixed. If we look around, we can readily see that this is a universal truth. Everything is in a constant state of flux – thoughts and emotions come and go, and even the atoms in our body are completely different every 7 years. The cells too, I have read.
Nothing is constant, and the failure to see this is one of the major sources of human suffering, because we try to hold onto what can’t be retained while at the same resisting what will change anyway. And when it comes to lovemaking, doing things the same old way every time ignores the fact that things naturally need to evolve. We change, our bodies change, life circumstances change. So we need to allow our lovemaking to change and evolve, too.
Repetition is not going to work in long term. Sure, in the beginning of a relationship we might get away with doing things in predictable ways. But as time goes on and conditions evolve, this repetition kills the magic. Imagine eating the same food every single day. Even if it was our favourite, it would soon start to lose its appeal. It’s the same with sex – it tastes nice in the beginning but after a while becomes too familiar and even sickening.
The problem is that this issue tends to sneak up on us. New couples often say “Right now what we do feels so good. Why bother to explore new things?” But guess what – it just might feel amazing for 1, 2 maybe even 5 years, but after a while it will inevitably become….BORING!
What is the antidote for that?
It’s simple, really. Don’t assume that you know your partner. Keep your sexual life ALIVE by exploring new pathways to pleasure, by finding new movements, techniques and positions that you like. Evolve. Play. Be curious.
So whether you are in a new relationship or have been together for years, this is something you want to apply right now: EXPLORATION. It’s is not a luxury. It‘s a requirement!
How can you bring it in?
Break the familiar patterns. Do different things. You might include some role-play, play with different toys (I highly recommend butt plugs – but that’s a whole other post!), touch each other in different ways, try new locations, or even just new positions. You can even try more subtle changes. How do you kiss each other? Can you kiss in different ways? What is the normal timing of lovemaking? Can you extend some parts of it? What about re-ordering the sequence?
I had a couples sessions last week and I gave them some homeplay exercises that encouraged novelty and exploration. They left with some doubts but they came back this week so excited. He told me “I tried different things, and maybe out of every five just one felt good, but when I found that one, I was so excited, happy and confident. I have something new in my repertoire and it feels so good to have more to play with”. Trust me, freshness and change will add a lot of flavour to your sexual encounters.
I would love to hear YOUR experiences too! Comment below to let me know what you have been discovering and experiencing.
If you feel stuck in your sexuality and you need support to connect with yourself and your partner in a fulfilling and profound way reach out to me! I would love to support your journey. Doin this is my mission, my job and my passion!