Why I do date nights
When was the last time you planned a date night?
Do you consciously put time aside to nurture your relationship?
Do you make an effort to keep seducing each other?
In my busy life I often see myself keep running from one task to the other without finding time to stop, pause and feel. This causes disconnection from myself and ultimately means feeling depleted and even unhappy.
When I run around in this way, the same disconnection happens in my relationship. I find myself planning things to do with my partner – the dinners, parties, visiting friends, then coming over to visit – and then there’s family. Sometimes we run out of time and energy to just focus on ourselves, let alone each other.
The evening arrives and we are exhausted, with no more energy or space for doing anything special. So we watch Netflix or just fall into bed.
Sound familiar? My clients tell me this is a really common pattern. But it is one that comes with costs – especially for the relationship.
Relationships can be thought of as entities. There are the two people in the relationship, and then there is the relationship itself. All three have needs and all three need care and attention to make sure they thrive (or even survive!) Neglecting our own needs leads to us feeling depleted and unhappy, and the same thing happens to our relationships. It is extremely important to nurture our relationship, to create time to feel each other, play fully, be present with all our being and connect with intimacy, depth and juiciness.
A good metaphor is one of bank accounts. Each partner has their own account and the relationship has one too. There are certain things that will make deposits in our own accounts – things like self-care, doing things we love, positive experiences and emotions. Basically, any time our core needs are getting met or we are putting positive impressions in our mind, our account is getting deposits. On the flipside, when our need are not being met – when we stay up too late, work too much, argue with our partner, or have unpleasant experiences, this takes withdrawals out of our personal account. Obviously we want to limit the amount of withdrawals and ensure we make regular deposits, so our accounts stay in the black. having surplus in our accounts means that when life’s inevitable problems arise, there is some surplus that we can use to pay for them.
Relationships have their own account, and the same rules apply. Meeting out partner’s needs may make a withdrawal from our personal account, but makes a useful deposit in the relationship account. Keeping this account nice and full means lots of surplus for those difficult times when we argue or face some other relationship challenge. Letting it run dry means that we risk going to take a relational withdrawal and getting an “insufficient funds”message.
At least once a week, my beloved and I try to prioritise quality time together. In fact, we just had our date night yesterday! It is time for us – time where we don’t work (or think about work!), and where there are no screens, so we focus on each other. We flirt, we do new things, we make an effort to dress nicely for each other (even if we are just having dinner at home), we take each other on dates to gigs and restaurants, we go out into nature, have sexy play with shibari (ropes) – things like that. We consciously spend time creating a beautiful space for one another, a special time for us. This puts BIG deposits in our relationship account, keeping things nice and flush for the lean times.
Date nights are a space to celebrate our connection, to keep nurturing our love and intimacy. As I wrote in my post on keeping relationships alive, relationships need to be nurtured and taken care of. This takes effort. And one of the most enjoyable ways is to schedule regular, good quality date nights!
If these tips resonated with you and you’d like more guidance into creating more intimacy and flame with your partner, you might be interested in my 3-month program Ignite Your Passion. Get in touch for more details (email)