We Can Be Safe – Or We Can Be Fully Alive
Have you ever had conflict with someone, been tense or upset, and then realised afterwards that the confrontation actually helped you to grow?
I want to share something with you that happened to me today.
Today my partner Richard and I decided to spend some quality time together. We wanted to make love, have a walk in nature and sing. We just wanted to have fun and spend some quality time together.
But it all felt flat. We couldn’t find our flow. We just couldn’t drop into the intimacy we wanted. We knew there was something in the way that we needed to clear before we could experience this type of genuine connection.
But the prospect of doing this made us both feel tense. We wanted to have a fun weekend, not spend it arguing or processing things! There was definitely a rather large elephant in the room, but neither of us felt particularly inspired to talk about elephants. So we avoided the topic, made small talk, went for a walk – but we felt distant from each other, literally next to each other yet miles away.
Eventually we decide to just face it! The intention was to wheel the elephant out into the light of awareness. This was DEFINITELY not easy as what we needed to discuss was leaky sexual energy and sexual desire for other people.
It was not easy at all. It took us few hours of tense moments before we manage to come to a completion. But we eventually managed to acknowledge our shadow sexuality (our very natural desire for other people) and the insecurity this triggered in each of us.
We embraced our desire for other people, even while deciding not to feed it. We accepted each other in their insecurity, even while acknowledging that our intention is ultimately to become free from it and let go of attachment in all our relationships. We felt embarrassed, yet seen. We felt uncomfortable, yet somehow liberated.
Something magical happened. We brought our shadows into the light of awareness and love.
Energy started to flow again. It was special. We felt alive.
Conflict in relationship (all relationships – not just the romantic kind) is not only inevitable. It is important. Conflict shows us where we have work to do. It alerts us to our shadows. Ultimately, it offers an opportunity to go beyond our limits and grow as people.
Many people avoid conflict at all costs, whether this is due to being attached to harmony and equilibrium, or afraid of what might be exposed. But when we avoid conflict we always end up paying a price. This price is disconnection.
If we can embrace conflict, and learn to listen to its wisdom, we can grow through it. Growth is often uncomfortable but we won’t accomplish much if we never go beyond our limits.
After all the dust settled on the weekend I could see that Richard pushed my limits and invited me to grow through that. Instead of blaming him and projecting my resistances and limiting beliefs onto him, I instead saw him as my ally. An ally for my growth and expansion.
It’s beautiful to be seen, accepted and loved in our shadows. Shadows are those parts of ourselves that we want to hide from others. Our shameful desires and secrets. Those dark thoughts that we fear nobody could ever accept.
But when we show ourselves, we give others the opportunity to love us anyway. When they do, we release a little more shame and feel more accepted and ok.
And when they don’t accept us? Well, that gives us an opportunity to validate ourselves, doesn’t it?
I feel so naked in front of my partner. Naked in my essence and being. Of course I sometimes feel embarrassed, vulnerable and afraid of being rejected. But the deepest desire of my heart is to be transparent and seen in that transparency.
After we allowed this uncomfortable discussion and came to a completion, energy flew so strongly. We had the most amazing lovemaking and felt so close. I felt him, He felt me. I loved him as he is and I felt loved by him. Completely, without holding back in any way. I tapped into bliss and ecstasy as we were merging in a beautiful and sacred lovemaking.
That ecstasy wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t been ready to show him who I really am, with total transparency.
How do you relate with others? Do you allow others to see you, or do you hold back? Do you meet people’s vulnerability with presence, or do you get caught in your own reactions and judgments?
If you want to learn practices and processes to help you to deal with triggers and find greater ease, depth and harmony in your relationships (with partners, family, friends or colleagues), come to my Mindful Connections Retreat. I would love to see you there!