Do psychics really have the best sex?
I used to expect my lovers to know what I liked, loved, and wanted in bed. I expected them to be mind-readers JObviously, it didn’t go that well. I used to feel frustrated when they couldn’t read my body language and I used to think that they should just be able to. After all, I was giving them such clear signals!!! Right? Then one lover started to ask me questions about my preferences and desires. It felt weird. I discovered I felt uncomfortable sharing with him. But I decide to give it a try, since the whole mind-reading thing wasn’t working out. When I finally did start asking for what I wanted in bed I felt open, vulnerable and powerful – all at the same time. But most of all I felt connected – to my partner, but even more importantly to myself. It felt amazing!
Communication is one of the most important factors in a healthy sexual life.
The common belief is that our lover should just know what we like and read perfectly the signals we give them. The reality, though, is that not many people are mind readers J.
What if we drop this common belief and start communicating our preferences, rather than hoping our partner will somehow read our body language and guess what we want? Let’s face it, when people canread our body language it’s amazing! And in time my loves have tended to learn how to do this. But let’s be honest – we generally don’t receive any kind of education around reading body signals and it’s not easy for most of people to do.
Talking in an open and authentic way to our partner/s about what we enjoy and want more of (or less of) is empowering and beautiful. Honest communication around sexuality will start to dismantle a lot of the taboo and misunderstanding, thereby allowing more intimacy.
Of course, I know it can be confronting to express what we want. It is challenging for people to openly talk about sex. It was challenging for me in the beginning!
I hear sexy stories all the time – since I work as a sex coach hahaha. Often clients tell me that they never spoke about sex with anyone in a such an open way. I just received an email of an awesome sex story from a client who came to my last lingam massage workshop. She gave a massage to her partner and it was a game-changer for their sex life (and relationship in general). I felt so touched <3
I love hearing stories like this. Actually, I feel a bit sad that we find it so hard to speak openly about sex. It’s vital to change this habit. Let’s be the change that we want to see!
I talk about sex all the time and yet I find that in my own relationship, it’s not that easy. I guess because I am so deeply invested and worried about rejection or being “too much”, Last week I played with my partner one of the exercises that I advise my clients to do. It was hard but also really revealing – and a wonderful moment of connection between us.
Let me share with you the exercise:
General guidelines. Take 30 min of time to do it, make sure you are in a place in which you can speak comfortably about sexy topic – i.e. avoid restaurants, public places, etc.
Make sure you will not be disturbed.
- Mindfulness: before starting take a moment to sit in front of each other, close your eyes, tune in to yourself and take few deep breaths. Set an intention for the exercise, e.g.“May I listen with an open heart and mind. May I listen to what you share without taking it personally. May I speak my truth and authentic self. May this exercise help us find more harmony and intimacy.”
Feel free to use your own words, this is just an example. But say it out loud. Even that can be a powerful thing to do with a lover.
- What do you love that I do when we make love?
- What would you like more of in our lovemaking?
- How can I improve my touch? Oral sex? Can you show me some movements to help me understand what you like?
- What would you like lessof in our love making?
3. Repeating back: after your partner/lover answers, repeat back to them what you heard. This is an important part of the exercise as often misunderstandings can arise. Again, it’s also a powerful thing to do in everyday life – just repeating back what we have heard so they know we have heard them.
Note: if you don’t have a sexual partner or if you find it hard speak about sex with them you can start by asking yourselfthose questions. They will help you expand your awareness of your own sexual needs and desires. In time you may feel comfortable starting to talk about them with your partner.
I hope I have inspired you in some way to talk even more openly about sex. It is so hard for many of us, yet so empowering! I am very passionate about creating a society in which we can embrace sexuality with ease and openness. Clear and honest conversations about what we like and dislike in sex is a great first step, don’t you think?
So…take a deep breath. Now, tell me – what do you like in bed?