Let me talk to you about my VAGINA
How do you feel about your genitals? Do you feel disconnected from them? Do you feel ashamed of them?
Growing up, I remember feeling very confused about my vagina. In my home nudity was always welcome, so if I came out the shower or got changed, I felt confident and at ease. When I was at friend’s house or at school however, I remember feeling super self-conscious when getting changed in another person’s presence. It felt like there was something terribly wrong with exposing my naked body. Slowly but surely, this recurring self-consciousness started to create a profoundly disturbing new belief system within me – that it was not ok to be naked in front of others.
I also remember hearing other kids joking and laughing about genitals, saying they were funny, smelly, dirty. Hearing these messages, I learnt that genitals were not something to be proud of – quite the opposite!
This feeling of confusion soon turned into deep shame and guilt. I felt disconnected from my body and hated the smell of my Yoni (Sanskrit for Vagina). I hated her taste, her shape, the hairy fur that covered her. I remember my first partner going down on me like it was yesterday, especially the thoughts that were running through my head:
“Please finish soon, it’s dirty and smelly down there!”
“I feel so embarrassed that you have your face in such a smelly place!”
“I love you too much, you don’t have to put yourself through this!”
I couldn’t even feel what was going on because I was too distracted by the loud voice of my inner critic. I mean, come on! There I was thinking how bad my vagina smelt… How could I possibly feel pleasure in that state of mind?!
So how did I become disconnected in the first place?
Sadly, in our society, our genitals are constantly linked with messages of shame and guilt. Take porn (as an one of hundreds of examples). In porn Pussies are portrayed as objects of desire, whilst Lingams are instruments of pleasure. It’s very one-sided. One of the subliminal messages we receive when watching regular porn is that we should achieve the unattainable beauty standards that are exemplified, ie your Lingam should be massive and hard, or your Yoni should be perfectly shaven and all neatly tucked away inside the labia.
It’s no wonder we are building such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship with our genitals! Here’s what often happens:
- We become disconnected from our genitals
- We expect pleasure and orgasms from them but don’t bother listening to their wisdom (not only regarding sex)
- We get pissed off when we don’t achieve what is often an unrealistic goal (orgasms or appearance).
- We reject and learn to deeply dislike our genitals creating even more distance and disconnection. We feel not good enough.
As children, when we first discover our genitals, we don’t judge them – we are naturally extremely interested in them. As we grow up though, most of us get brainwashed by society’s negative associations with genitals, so we start to lose this innocent and curious approach. We then begin to internalise a damaging new belief system, which ultimately holds us back from having a fulfilling relationship with our eroticism.
So how did I get back in touch?
Time for the good news! Just as you learnt these new beliefs, you can unlearn them. I’m here to show you how!
Things are so different for me now. I treat my yoni as a temple, as an oracle of truth. It’s my best ally, not only for my pleasure. Throughout the day I often pause, tune in and feel into her wisdom. (This part may or may not make sense to you right now, but it will…)
Imagine feeling curious and connected to your genitals again! Imagine feeling proud of them like when you were a child. Imagine understanding your Yoni or Lingam on a much deeper level. Imagine absolutely loving how it looks, smells and tastes. Imagine to celebrating its beauty in every form. How liberating would that be?
There are many ways in which to re-program our belief systems and rekindle the connection with our genitals. Let’s start with two powerful Tantric & Sacred Sexuality’s practices:
Transfiguration is the practice of seeing beyond the physical appearance and going beyond the physical body. We connect with the divine being that dwells within each of us. Transfiguration can be done with another individual, or with another part of ourselves, such as our genitals. It’s time to accept and welcome them as they are – their shape, colour and appearance. It’s time to see beyond the physical too, and connect with their essence, their energy, their power. If you’re unsure what I mean by this, I’d be happy to share more.
Before I explain how to do this, I want to start by saying that this may feel really forced and awkward at first. I promise you, it will start to feel more natural and less weird the more you do it. The reward is magical… so I really encourage you to keep it up!
- Find a comfortable position in front of a mirror that allows you to look at your own genitals for a period of time
- Now gaze at your genitals. Think of it as a loving meditation or transmission. The idea is to go beyond the physical… to connect with their essence
- Repeat to yourself as you are gazing:
- “I welcome you as you are”
- “I see you”
- “I feel you”
- “I see your beauty”
- “I bow to your ancient wisdom”
- “Forgive me if in the past I didn’t see you in your radiance”
- “I am here now to heal the pain I have caused through judging and shaming you in the past”
- “I am here to love and accept you fully”
I have created a downloadable audio to guide you through the practice. Follow the link below to be guided in this ancient and powerful practice:
- Lingam gazing – guided trasfigurazione practice for men-
- Yoni gazing – guided trasfigurazione practice for women-
#2 A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR GENITALS
What if you allowed your genitals have a voice? This may sound super weird too, but stay with me! You might be surprised at what you hear, feel and discover.
We’ve already established that criticising our genitals has become the norm in our society and understand the damage it has caused us. It’s time to put a stop to this. Let your genitals share their needs, desires and wisdom. When we create connection with our genitals we open new pathways to pleasure and feel more at ease with our bodies. So to reignite this healthy and vibrant connection:
- Find a comfortable position (either naked or dressed)
- Place both hands on your genitals, or one on genitals and one on your heart
- Breathe, be present, and start to feel the connection
- Ask your genitals some of the below questions and let the answers come as they are, don’t overthink this. Allow and accept whatever comes or doesn’t come.
- What is alive in you?
- What would you like more of?
- What would you like less of?
- Make a prayer or intention for the future:
May I accept you fully. May I recognise and treasure your beauty. May I always feel connected to you. May I listen to your needs and desires. May I hear your wisdom. May I feel at ease and fall in love with your look, your smell, your raison d’être. May I feel pleasure through you. May I respect you and worship your divine essence.
Here is another audio to guide you through this home-play practice.
These exercises are so simple yet powerful. Do them few times and see how your relationship with the genitals will start to shift, change, expand. You will transform. And guess what? From transforming the relationship with your genitals your sexual life will change forever too!!
If you want more sex tips or want to understand these topics on a more personal level, I’d be delighted to chat about it further. It would be my absolute pleasure to guide you on your journey to acceptance.
It’s a beautiful journey. It changed my life and I’m passionate about helping others embark on it. Get in touch, I’d love to hear from you! 🙂